“I'm not lugging my balls around this house bragging about the places they’ve been. I dont need to know the details. I dont need to know the moves and steps and the places that brought you to my doorstep. You’re here. And i loved you unconditionally. Why? Because i value mystery. The unknown. It’s what supports the tension of a relationship and forces us to be the best version of ourselves.

The what-if factor. What if there’s someone who loved him better? Who’s smarter, nicer. Woke him up everyday with breakfast and a blowjob. What if I’m not the best girlfriend he’s ever had? What if he dreams someone else? Better conversations, a girl with hips and an actual ass instead of this string bean body? So that every single day when i get up, and i talked to you, and i wear this fancy fucking dress, and i hold your hand. i’m trying to be the best girlfriend you have ever had.

So when you tell me that who I’m against is Kiki from St. Louis, in a heart-shaped bathtub, it makes me give a lot less of a fuck.

The reason you don’t get jealous is because you dont value that mystery, do you? It’s inconceivable to you that there’s anybody on this planet that is more interesting than you are. Your lack of curiosity is merely an extension of your narcissism, your megalomania, your egotistical view of the world. As a result of never doubting yourself, you never stopped to ask yourself, “how can i be a better partner?”

You are good. You are set. You yelling at me in a bathtub about how you’re gonna snap me like a twig, is the best and the worst of who you will be in this relationship. And that’s why you forgot to thank me in the speech.”